My words went silent after I celebrated two years of sobriety. So many things happened and I had to wonder if the God who called me His own wasn’t maybe asking more of me than I am capable of giving. I have been questioning His leading and doubting He remembers that I am a recovering heroin addict, and that my weaknesses and sins number greater than the stars in the heavens.
My mind has been battling with the lies that plague so often. That not so little lie that the sins that I have committed are greater than the grace of God reared its ugly head again. The bigger than life lie that heroin has something better to offer than the comfort, grace, and love of the Savior taunted me. Everything in me longed for the prick of the needle and the rush of poison into my veins. I have walked this path so often over the last two years that hopelessness began to settle in the depths of my soul, like maybe this is what my life will be until I am finally Home. Maybe, just maybe, I am useless to God…
As grief and doubt overwhelmed my soul, triggers lurked abundantly close, and God seemed so far away. My therapist responded to my plea for help, even though I hadn’t been to counseling in months. I sat with her and shed tears, acknowledging that the torment of the past was on replay again. She, gentle and loving, guided me to the truth as I asked, “What do I have to offer any of the young women who God has placed in my life? How can I speak life to them when I can’t find hope for myself?”
And the accusations played over in my head, “Failure. Addict. Hypocrite.”
And yet Jesus spoke gently through my therapist, pointing me back to the truth. I have nothing to offer any of the women that I love and that I call friends. I come empty handed on my own, but when I lean in to Jesus, I have a heart full of the One who has everything to offer them. His name is Jesus and He is the Hope that I have. He is the Love that matters. The Light that shines into the darkness and the Water that gives life eternal is Jesus, and I am so thankful that even on the days that I forget or that my eyes become blind, He doesn’t change. He is still with me and leading me. His grace is sufficient and His Truth pierces the darkness.
As I lean in to Him, He equips me for the ministry to which He has called me. His Word is truth and His ways are right. And I was right. I have nothing to offer, except Jesus … and in the end, HE is the only thing worth giving.
“Come now, let us reason together, says the Lord: though your sins are life scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.” Isaiah 1:18 English Standard Version
“Whoever believes in Me as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water!'” (Jesus’s words as recorded in John 8:38 English Standard Version
"Remember your mercy, O LORD, and your steadfast love, for they have been from old.
Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions;
according to your steadfast love remember me,
for the sake of your goodness, O LORD!"
Psalm 25:6-7 English Standard Version
“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” Hebrews 13:8, NIV
What about you? Is there anything in your life or in your thoughts that has kept you from obeying God’s calling on your life? Have you been leaning in to Jesus, trusting He is enough for whatever your current struggle is? Wherever you are, can I just encourage you today to lean in to Him, to spend time in His Word, listening to His voice? Jesus is the Living Water that is always more than abundantly sufficient!